Disability Etiquette
Sep. 24th, 2010 02:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
davidgillon Normies sometimes seem clueless about how to talk to disabled people. I put together the brief disability etiquette guide below after a couple of requests for one in a thread on the Independent on Sunday's website discussing the recent Scope survey on social exclusion of disabled people. Suggestions for things I've missed are very welcome, particularly from anyone who can bring a perspective other than chronic pain/mobility impairment to it:
Always ask before "helping", what seems obvious to you may be exactly the opposite of what the disabled person wants to do, may risk damage to extremely expensive pieces of mobility equipment, or even be actively dangerous.
If the disabled person tells you they don't need help or need it done in a specific way, don't argue about it with them, they are the experts, they are the ones who will be injured if you get it wrong.
Do not expect to be congratulated or thanked if you open a door for us and then stand in the doorway. A wheelchair barely fits through many domestic doorways, someone using a walking aid may have a normal stance 1.5m across, doorways are difficult enough without people standing in them. If you open a door, stand behind it.
If a disabled person seems curt or impolite, remember you may be the 30th person today to impede them with an inappropriate offer of help. It does get wearing. Or they may be in considerable pain, or have a disability which makes communication difficult.
Always address yourself to the disabled person, never to someone you assume to be their 'carer'. Most disabled people get by without paid assistants, some do use them, but in all cases the disabled person is the one you are dealing with and should address yourself to.
If talking to someone with a hearing impairment, face them and speak slowly and clearly without obscuring your mouth, do not shout.
No matter how disabled they are, always work on the assumption the disabled person may well be more intelligent than you are. Some of us are rocket scientists.
Never treat a disabled person as though they were a child. If your behaviour would be inappropriate to any adult, then it is inappropriate to a disabled person. Treat us as you would wish to be treated.
Telling us how 'brave' or 'inspiring' you find us is patronising in the extreme. Do not expect a positive reaction. (Journalists take note).
You have no more right to know the details of our disabilities than we have a right to know the details of your granny's sex life. The comparison may seem startling, but it is a measure of how intrusive the question is.
We are a discriminated against minority, excuse us if we seem overly defensive, but discrimination is part of our day to day experience.
If you are trying to decide if a statement about disability is inappropriate, try swapping 'black' or 'gay' in place of 'disabled'. If it would be unacceptable for other minorities it's probably unacceptable for us.
Do not try to one-up or guilt trip a disabled person with the likes of 'Uncle Fred had that, and ran a marathon every day before breakfast'. In the unlikely event Uncle Fred actually did have the same disability it still says nothing because there is massive individual variation in the impact and effects of a disability and the limitations they cause. As an example, my own disability runs the gamut from vaguely useful to can't get out of bed without incurring multiple dislocations, to actually life-threatening.
"Oh, I suffer with my joints, too" is unlikely to go down well. When a disabled person admits to being 'a little uncomfortable' they may actually mean 'It feels like Vlad Drakul has rammed a sharpened stake the size of a small tree where the sun don't shine and is busy laying into it with a sledgehammer' or the like. Our experience of discomfort, loss of mobility or other symptoms is more extreme than you realise, that is why we are disabled by them and you are not.
Similarly "Oh, I feel tired a lot, too" is going to seem pretty dismissive to a disabled person with a pain or fatigue-based disability who may well not have slept in several days or may have to fight just to have the energy to manage eating and drinking.
'Have you tried X,' where X is the latest alternative health fad is annoying in the extreme. Disabled people are generally experts in their condition and the available treatments, just because a fad claims to treat something in the rough area of our disability does not mean we need to be pressured to try it. Imagine person after person pressuring you to do something you know isn't good for you. Now imagine that happening every day. For decades....
Mobility equipment may have cost more than your car, it is not a toy you can ask to 'have a go on'.
Amazingly enough many wheelchair users can get out of their chairs and walk, chairs are simply much more efficient/less painful for many people with mobility impairments. Getting up and walking does not mean we are 'faking it'.
Many of us are perfectly happy with our disabilities, our lives do not revolve around pursuit of a cure.
Disability is not funny, but there is humour in disability. Learn to recognise the difference!
Always ask before "helping", what seems obvious to you may be exactly the opposite of what the disabled person wants to do, may risk damage to extremely expensive pieces of mobility equipment, or even be actively dangerous.
If the disabled person tells you they don't need help or need it done in a specific way, don't argue about it with them, they are the experts, they are the ones who will be injured if you get it wrong.
Do not expect to be congratulated or thanked if you open a door for us and then stand in the doorway. A wheelchair barely fits through many domestic doorways, someone using a walking aid may have a normal stance 1.5m across, doorways are difficult enough without people standing in them. If you open a door, stand behind it.
If a disabled person seems curt or impolite, remember you may be the 30th person today to impede them with an inappropriate offer of help. It does get wearing. Or they may be in considerable pain, or have a disability which makes communication difficult.
Always address yourself to the disabled person, never to someone you assume to be their 'carer'. Most disabled people get by without paid assistants, some do use them, but in all cases the disabled person is the one you are dealing with and should address yourself to.
If talking to someone with a hearing impairment, face them and speak slowly and clearly without obscuring your mouth, do not shout.
No matter how disabled they are, always work on the assumption the disabled person may well be more intelligent than you are. Some of us are rocket scientists.
Never treat a disabled person as though they were a child. If your behaviour would be inappropriate to any adult, then it is inappropriate to a disabled person. Treat us as you would wish to be treated.
Telling us how 'brave' or 'inspiring' you find us is patronising in the extreme. Do not expect a positive reaction. (Journalists take note).
You have no more right to know the details of our disabilities than we have a right to know the details of your granny's sex life. The comparison may seem startling, but it is a measure of how intrusive the question is.
We are a discriminated against minority, excuse us if we seem overly defensive, but discrimination is part of our day to day experience.
If you are trying to decide if a statement about disability is inappropriate, try swapping 'black' or 'gay' in place of 'disabled'. If it would be unacceptable for other minorities it's probably unacceptable for us.
Do not try to one-up or guilt trip a disabled person with the likes of 'Uncle Fred had that, and ran a marathon every day before breakfast'. In the unlikely event Uncle Fred actually did have the same disability it still says nothing because there is massive individual variation in the impact and effects of a disability and the limitations they cause. As an example, my own disability runs the gamut from vaguely useful to can't get out of bed without incurring multiple dislocations, to actually life-threatening.
"Oh, I suffer with my joints, too" is unlikely to go down well. When a disabled person admits to being 'a little uncomfortable' they may actually mean 'It feels like Vlad Drakul has rammed a sharpened stake the size of a small tree where the sun don't shine and is busy laying into it with a sledgehammer' or the like. Our experience of discomfort, loss of mobility or other symptoms is more extreme than you realise, that is why we are disabled by them and you are not.
Similarly "Oh, I feel tired a lot, too" is going to seem pretty dismissive to a disabled person with a pain or fatigue-based disability who may well not have slept in several days or may have to fight just to have the energy to manage eating and drinking.
'Have you tried X,' where X is the latest alternative health fad is annoying in the extreme. Disabled people are generally experts in their condition and the available treatments, just because a fad claims to treat something in the rough area of our disability does not mean we need to be pressured to try it. Imagine person after person pressuring you to do something you know isn't good for you. Now imagine that happening every day. For decades....
Mobility equipment may have cost more than your car, it is not a toy you can ask to 'have a go on'.
Amazingly enough many wheelchair users can get out of their chairs and walk, chairs are simply much more efficient/less painful for many people with mobility impairments. Getting up and walking does not mean we are 'faking it'.
Many of us are perfectly happy with our disabilities, our lives do not revolve around pursuit of a cure.
Disability is not funny, but there is humour in disability. Learn to recognise the difference!
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